Another day....

After morning practice....I come to a place of clarity within myself....

Yoga chita vritti niordha: Yoga controls the fluctuation of mind.
One of the great benefits of yoga....one I work on with every practice as I go deeper and deeper inside myself...

I have received a tremendous amount of love and support to continue to write my blog, which I was planning to continue to do yet not publish it as I am enjoying my writing process so very much. Writing on a laptop is so cathartic for me....it flows when I type verses writing with pen and paper...the expression is much deeper. The comfort the writing was giving me....feeling so alone being half way across the world in a strange new environment, trying so hard to adjust to my new surroundings, to fit in....somehow this blog gives me so much comfort....I dont feel so alone...


The support I received from my mom was so very special to me....the encouragement....the love....lifted me up....means so much I find it so difficult to put into words...the energetic expression of loving tears stream down my face....I love you mom....I thank you so very much!

I was feeling so hurt by what people thought of me, my writing, my actions....I began to criticize myself I let my ego take over and started to hurt myself....by pulling away, withdrawing....getting angry....lashing out....My ego was telling me dont let them see you vulnerable, they will know you are defective, bad (a historical learned behavior).   My oldest sister reminded me of this....I am very grateful for that....the love and support she gave me...a blessing...a very special gift.

Sometimes when we are feeling hurt, it can be helpful to remind ourselves of a basic truth: some people will like us and some people won't...some people will enjoy what we have to say and some people won't... Everyone is seeing each other through the stories we create. You. Me. Everyone....No matter how hard I try, I will fit with some and not with others....with acceptance of this truth I can be myself....a good friend to myself and I don't feel hurt.

When we learn to accept, surrender and let go....spirit moves in....I become open to feeling everything inside....I feel safe, ok, unafraid. I begin to see more clearly....I realize I am facing parts of myself that have been triggered....that have always been there...No one made me feel this way...they simply touched a place in me that was not clear and needed healing....healing begins....I get to the other side....the true essence of who I am emerges....my heart blossoms....I connect with the love,  light and purity of who I am....this is the growth....this is the gift...this is what I have to share....and so it is!

So I have decided to publish what I write....to accept, surrender and let go of what people think of me.....and just be me....a beautiful spirit of light, love, peace and joy....sharing a lonely journey to mysore, India.....with the intention of love and inspiration....

Goodbye to my blog

So with deep disappointment I have decided to stop writing a blog....

I write from a place of pure heart about my experience....this is my experience i wished to share, however I am becoming a target of unsolicited advice, judgement and criticism which is incredibly hurtful and I dont wish to put myself in that position any longer.

so to those who plugged in...I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and support....be well Lorna

A morning of humbling, lessons and self reflection.....

Once again I am cracked wide open, yet in a very different way.....

A learning....of when our behaviors or things we say....how they can be misinterpreted because of unclear communication and harm someone...when that was not the intention....

.....has created such a humbling in my heart....such an awareness for me on so many levels....

I started my morning with a conference at the main shala....I arrived early so I would be sure to get a good seat....chatted with Tim Feldman, (who I adore and respect greatly) a little bit pre-confrence....walked in and did get a good seat....I sat and watched slowly the room fill where there was standing room only at the door....so many yogi's and yogini's....so many thoughts going through my mind, where do I fit in? what does all this mean? I feel as if I am a new born baby emerging into this life, this community, so much unknown, scary...my mind changes direction and I see this as an opportunity to take a photo of all the followers who come here to mysore to practice and learn from sharath...after I took the photo...I hear from across the room..."who are you?" "who do you study with?" I softly speak  "Lorna" "Saraswati"....not understanding why he asked...."no photos allowed" Sharath says from across the room....I feel incredibly embarrased....shame comes up....my mind starts to reel....I did not know....I am new to this process....I am so sorry, I never meant to disrespect or harm you in anyway....I decide that I will introduce myself to him after the talk and apologize. He begins by saying how Yoga is getting crazy....not that yoga is crazy but that people are making it crazy....all the different kinds of yoga he sees on the internet, naked yoga-hot yoga crazy he says....He goes on to say how it is the yoga teachers responsibility to keep the purity of yoga and how it is very important to choose a teacher who can guide you properly...one who comes from a lineage and has been practicing for many years. He goes on to say that if we do not keep this purity in years yoga will have a different meaning. This pushes a button with me....something I am struggling with in my own life and practice....also, what I need to do when I channel this teaching....how I need to have utmost integrity and keep it pure....Sharath goes on to talk about the 4 d's of yoga....one being dedication....yogi's have a dedicated life...he goes on to say how sometimes we can get bored and do what we dont want to, things that circumstances make us do, but as a yogi's mind gets stronger he/she is not pulled to these circumstances....dedication to the yogi life superseeds....a good heart and good thinking some of the benefits of living a yogic life....the more you practice purity grows inside you...we no longer seek without....transformation happens within you which brings beautiful meaning to your practice....He grew up around yoga his whole life and started seriously with his practice when he was 19, that he was not clear at that time what yoga was...what it meant....he had many pains with practice....when you live a yogic life you have to make many sacrifices....like having to get up and practice when you dont want to....He asks the audience where we think he learned all about yoga....someone responds..."from yourself" he says "I learned from my grandfather...garuji...watching him, assisting him and he learned from Kristamacharia....again commenting on the importance of a teachers lineage. He goes on to say how people call asking about having a piece of paper that says they can teach this practice....he says "No piece of paper does this...Yoga keeps happening within you." He goes on to say there are many different opinions about yoga and how it is very important to have yoga knowledge...spiritual knowledge...Jesus Christ was a big yogi he says. He went on to talk about attachments and when we have no attachments our practice goes deeper....this is something I experienced personally when I ended my relationship a significant relationship in my life....my practice went much deeper....I connected deeper and deeper within my self....He went on to talk about Stira...which means stable and how a practice of yoga brings you a stable mind.....He ends by saying, "if you have yoga within you....yoga will serve you...many good things will happen....If you dont do it properly you wont experience it."

He then leaves it open for questions....

I have a question that begins to stir in my mind....something that is causing me great conflict in my own heart and life where I am seeking validation so I can decide what to do....I see this as a great opportunity to ask my question to one of the greatest teachers of ashtanga....Sharath....I ask my question...which I choose not to say as I do not want to cause any more harm to anyone....my question is answered but does not bring me clarity and a part of me feels he does not fully understand what the question is better yet as I have learned, he does not have enough information to really understand where I am coming from with my question...this leads to great misinterpretation of my question and names I mentioned, one being Tim Feldman, a teacher I adore, respect greatly and want to follow...in fact after he visited my town of Sag Harbor where I went to his weekend workshop and learned so much and loved his way of teaching and what he taught...I took the first opportunity I saw to go to Miami to take part in one of his workshops....and relished with the idea of moving to Miami to study with him and Kino.
After the confrence was done....I stood on line to speak with Sharath to introduce myself and apologize for taking a photograph...after about a 10 minute wait...I had the opportunity to meet him, introduce myself and apologize....he graciously accepted...saying no problem it is ok....but if I would at some point explain to sharath....I say yes, absolutely I will do that now....feeling terribly embarrased as if I do not want to bother him, I excuse myself and ask if I can explain my question more....he says yes and gives me the answer I already knew, which I will not say as I do not want to hurt anyone....this is about me...no one else...I greatly love and respect all parties involved....
I then see Tim....who says to me "well, thanks alot for that one Lorna", at first I do not understand then I get how my question was mis-interpreted....I feel terrible and explain where I was coming from and could see how my question was unclear probably due to my nervousness of speaking to this admired guru....My remorse continues as how I see what was said hurt Tim...this was not my intention at all in fact it was the exact opposite....My intention was to lift him up in the eyes of the audience and Sharath...that I respected his teaching greatly....we talked briefly....I explained, he understood, we hugged and I went on to walk....feeling so upset....so full of shame....remorse...what did I do?? why did I ask the question? I should have just sat with it.....the tears....begin to run like a faucet....I never meant to harm anyone....let alone Tim Feldman....someone I have grown to love as a teacher and admire....I watch his wife's Kino's videos all the time with great admiration and desire to study with Tim and her....my question mis-interpreted in front of so many people and most importantly to Tim's guru Sharath....and how I made Tim feel.....

I continued to walk to the coconut hut where I saw Chuck....I began to talk to him, and he was great, as I explained myself....he understood and gave me loving supportive advice from his experience's with the same thing....I so appreciate what he shared and the support he gave....yet it did not stop my tears....the shame I was feeling....the regret for how I hurt Tim....Kino then comes...we talk...I say to her I cannot believe how bad that was and how my question was so mis-interpreted....she says"yes it was bad"....as I talk with her she begins to understand and gives me a loving, and supportive advice...also saying how she was concerned for Tim....we all sit....myself, Kino and Chuck...talking....communicating...then Tim comes walking up....I hug him and apologize once again....fighting back tears and sobbing about how terrible I feel....he was so very gracious and understood once I explained to him my story and where I was coming from and how it was all about mis-interpretation, mis communication, and unclear information....It was a really heart warming exchange, I feel blessed that Tim was open to hearing me, accepting and understanding. There are so many lessons in the experience for me and has taken me to a deep place of humbling....recognizing the insecurities this brought up in me, my ego, my inner trickster affirming how this situation means I am not good enough, how I fucked up once again, I should never ask questions they only hurt people...this is my ego, acting out of fear trying to cover up my true essence....staying loyal to my spiritual journey means living with integrity...even when it hurts. Knowing that I make mistakes....it was about mis-interpretation and mis-communication....I have to surrender and accept that and with that mercy and compassion emerge naturally and stay with the true essence of who I am, which allows me to give and receive love more freely....

I dedicate this blog to Tim Feldman....a wonderful, endearing, smart, loving dedicated, devoted teacher with whom I have tremendous respect and teacher/student love....

A full nights sleep

I sit this morning in the lovely garden of the green hotel sipping my morning indian coffee feeling incredibly blessed to be here.....Today is my day off from practice, I miss practice yet it is nice to have a leasurely morning with no thought of having to work....such a sweet feeling....headed to a confrence at 10am at the main shala with Sharat....I so look forward to meeting him and hearing him speak....

Slept through the night for the first time....woke to the dogs and monkeys singing once again but this time it did not keep me awake....I have learned how to sleep through loud noise....no need for using white noise to sleep any longer....It is amazing how having some good sleep can make us feel....bringing in a new perspective....I feel like I am really here now....I suppose what I was experiencing the last few days was jet lag and did not really get it as I never experienced it before....now I get it....my mind wanders to what the experience will be like when I return home...then I stop the noise bring myself back to this moment...no sense in even going there....progress....I am really making progress ;0))

I had such a fun time last night....went to dinner with Nnadi, Chuck, Revi, Mariel and Marian.....such fun....I really cannot wait to move into my house and be in the town....we all met at the coconut shack and walked up to this restaurant (which I cannot remember the name) a place Revi (a local mysorian) reccommended....it was really fabulous food....and the company just marvelous....Chuck ( a yogi with a yoga studio in New Jersey)...you crack me up!!!! Then walking back into town in the dark of night....town still jamming....it is like NYC in a way....so many people....so much to see and do....so much going on....alive....Said goodnight to Mariel and Marian 2 great gals from massachusettes on a 4 month tour of India, they are here in mysore for 1 month....met them both on my first morning ride to practice....they started out staying at the green hotel and have moved into a house....My night ended with Chuck asking mahesh....my rickshaw driver to drive us around town in his pimp of a ride with some great indian music blasting..much fun was had....Chuck's spirit is a total blast of fun.....a perfect end to another wonderful day.  

some reflection....

I have some time of rest before meeting some friends for a fun night out of dinner and dancing.....woohoo...no practice tomorrow....

I am finding that I really enjoy writing....writing my experience....sharing my feelings...its fun...helps me to connect with my pure essence which is free, open, spontaneous and creative....Since I have gotten here it is as if a barrier has been lifted from my heart....a process that was beginning a few months before left....It is as if there is this expansive energy washing through my body cracking the boundries of limiting beliefs and limitations, exposing me to the vastness of who I truly am....allowing this energy to flow brings rich rewards....this tender spot in my heart which allows me to embrace all of the human experience I am having and to love with the pure essence of who I am....I see the indian children....such love and light in there eyes....as I was driving in my rickshaw today...a small little boy with his head popping out the window....looking at me with such love, tenderness and curiosity....I wave...he gives a smile....so sweet...

We decided not to do the zoo today....it was a day for yogi's and yogini's alike to chill at the pool....the sun was strong and hot.....got my tan back on after today for sure....

P.S.

Please know that in my writing...the comment I made about silly direction from the teacher....is not in anyway to critize or judge....as I know they are only trying to help....My intention was just to state a difference I felt with a teacher who just counts and how this style helps me to focus....there is no distraction of trying to figure out what the teacher means.....In love and light....always

Post...First 6:30am class with Saraswati

Today was the first day of a led class with Saraswati at 6:30am....

I was feeling good this morning as I did get about 5 hours sleep last eve despite the symphony coming from the dogs and monkeys....

I was so looking forward to class....I must say to Erika....though I love the way my hair is no longer a distraction during practice....hence the braided hair suggestion....I so do not like the preparation I have to make before asana....to frustrating for me to braid my hair....but it works and it is fun too....so know that I think of you every day as I braid my lovely locks...

The past few days I have been practicing at Saraswati's house (a new shala location...much smaller and intimate than the main shala)....today led class was at the main shala....my first time.....walking in everyone is silent....signs reading please keep the silence....a massive ceiling, much larger than the space at saraswati's....you can feel the energy...the energy of the past lineage of all who practiced here before me.....the alter with photos of the beloved guruji....we all sit and wait for saraswati.....her presence is felt....I could feel her walking in...no need to see her visibly...everyone stands and takes samasthitih...bowing to the beloved teacher.....I get goose bumps as we take our first suryanamaskara.....the room is much bigger so I see I need to have greater focus on bundas to build more heat today....much easier in the smaller shala.....Saraswati's presence so powerful....penetrating....i feel so blessed to be here...in her presence....being led by her....she only counts....long counts....deep deeper into myself it takes me....deepening my focus...my bundas...my drishti.....the room is very still despite being full of people.....saraswati just counts....no silly direction of "now take your right inner thigh and rap it around your left butt cheek pressing down into the floor"....no distraction of a chatty teacher....just focus....I am feeling internally strong....holding the exhale of chaturanga....much longer...takes much strength today.....I get my first direction in padagusthasana....grabbed my toes before her direction.....no do....stop wait...she tells me....I learn.....remembering always what corey would say about led class....it is a time to follow the teachers lead.....the slow count today....making me work very hard.....Saraswati is stopping lots of students in mid primary....my mind wanders....feeling grateful for the help of corey and erika over the past few months....tweeking my practice to get it right....when we get to navasana....I think of Frances telling me how I need to lift....I think for sure I am going to get stopped....but no....I continue on....navasana very difficult again with Saraswati's count....very shaky legs today....I make it all the way through....just when I thought the challenge of my strength was over....we get to Ulpluthih....Holy s#%t....saraswathi's count feels like 25 breaths....not 10....just when I thought she did not see me cheating....I feel her energy come up behind me....no cheating...you lift....I smile up at her....she smiles back....time for shavasana....I am overcome with sensations in my heart center.....feelings of deep deep gratitude begin to rise.....for being here....in the sacred presence of this shala....the teachers....the students.....again my mind goes to Scottie....I am grateful for his guiding me to the path....the love in my heart for him so pure so real.....the tears flow.....once again I am cracked wide open....my heart continues to blossom....I am grateful....