Moments of self-reflection.....and my 2nd conference with Sharath

I come back to my breath....letting go of those I love has been one of the most excruciating, painful experiences for me....

I come to a place where I realize I am still letting go of a love I feel for someone deep deep within my heart.....I release the veil, I drop my ego and realize I need to let go even more...I have been holding on....holding on to ideas....fantasies, hope....yet these were all veil's.....veil's hiding the truth....my essence....the little girl in me who feels so alone....so scared....so vulnerable....so lost.....it takes me to a place of presence....truth...honesty....peace.....love within myself.....

When we have a life experience of loss....lots of loss....we can let it define us and become angry, resentful, bitter, ridden with dis...ease and illness or we can take the path of learning....Free your heart....and make peace with the past...I have chosen to make peace....this is not an easy journey....to process the pain, to tenderly touch our wounds, explore our false core beliefs and to take ourselves and our past with everyone in it into our hearts where all healing is possible....to forgive our past and everyone in it is to forgive ourselves and to forgive ourselves is to forgive our past....this is the journey I choose.....this trip to india has taken me deeper into that journey...another layer I did not know was possible.....

A spiritual warrior:
Awareness, Courage, and gentleness are the basic "weapons" of the warrior of the    heart.....John Welwood

One of the search's I have with myself is....how do I want to take what I have learned and share it with people in a way that helps them on their journey in this life??

I put all my energy into waiting on tables to make good money....this takes away my energy for my TB (transformational Breath) and P/T (personal training) practice......

I want to make a change.....they say the beginning is awareness....it will all fall into place....ideas are streaming in my mind.....

My greatest teacher, Judith Kravitz, I am eternally grateful...


The burning smell of garbage is really beginning to get to me....the noise, dogs non stop barking....the sound of cars....horns....constant horns....the dust, dirt....my feet are constantly dirty....something that bugs me out...even at home, I hate when my feet are dirty....here I have permanent dirt marks on my feet.....I have learned to not wash my hair for....well this week is the longest....4 days....trying to help conserve water....my hair does not need to be washed that much anyway....it is interesting....the efforts to conserve.....I have very little clothing with me....but I manage.....dont need alot......

My loneliness....

one of the many things I am learning about myself on this trip is the depth of the loneliness I carry within my heart....historical loneliness....another layer....wanting to release to take me to a greater level of understanding of myself....

Everything is perfect....where I am at the time is perfect....I am accepting this more and more everyday....being totally present with every moment and encounter....the journey with myself....

No practice today....I did not sleep well the last 3 nights....lastnight what was bothering me and upsetting my state of well-being was the smell of burning....they burn leaves and garbage here all the time....the pollution, is beginning to really affect how I feel especially when I do not practice....the house next door to where I am living likes to burn early morning throughout the day and at night....even if I close my windows the smell permeates my room as it did at 6am this morning and woke me up....I was feeling like I wanted to move....go home....how can I stay here in this toxic air....I got out of bed around 730 got dressed and walked up to Anoki's what I feel is one of the best cafe's....they serve the most delicious masala coffee and shakes....I was feeling deep feelings of lonliness this morning as I sat at a community table with about 8 other yogi's and I still felt so alone, I did not engage in conversation with them or them with me, just listened, one of the yogi's asked me for ganesh's phone number to arange a taxi, however that was the extent of my conversation....totally observing my response to all of what is happening around me and my response to it....on my way out to head home to do my daily breathing practice I saw a wonderful couple (whom I cannot remember their names) she is originally from chicago and he from columbia....they are now living and teaching english in Korea....they seemed totally interested in me and wanting to have a conversation, after about 5 minutes of standing there talking I decided to take a seat and enjoy the conversation.....a deep intimate conversation it was....I really enjoyed it....now it was time to head to the conference with sharath, my second one. feeling a little anxiety after my first conference experience, wondering what this one will be like....we arrive just in time....the room is already full of yogi's....I find a spot....the same as last, close to the front of the room against the wall....I observe many people taking photograph's...."this is crazy," I am thinking as I was told no photos allowed...how could this be?? what a lesson for me....I felt so much relief, like it was not such a bad thing that I took a photo.....it just happened that the day I did it no one else was.....I was so hard on myself for taking that photo that day....what a lesson on not personalizing things, not to take things so to heart as I did.....I am so incredibly sensitive....something I already knew and see the depths of it more and more with these types of experiences....my ability to feel....so deep....

The path from fear to love is the spiritual journey. When we tell the truth to ourselves, let go of compulsive behaviors, stop making excuses, we will naturally feel less fear and more love because we've removed the masks of fear. We don't create love, we simply let go of our false selves, and feel the love that has always been shining brightly at the core of our being....
....we can also say the spiritual journey is the path to the SELF....as I stay atuned to myself, my feelings, drop the veils, allow them accept that this is who I am, a very sensitive girl at heart, it helps me to connect more and more with that girl in me that has so much love to give.....this is the love that shines brightly at the core of my being.....

Please know that I do my best to be accurate with my sharing of what was said at the conference....I write free hand and sometimes cannot write as fast as sharath speaks, and it is hard to understand what he is saying also, listening from far away....so I may miss some key points....I write from my perspective in telling the story from my heart with my greatest knowing of truth at the time....

The conference began today with Sharath telling us the reason for the early time of meeting today is he was being honored and invited to speak somewhere....He then tells us we are going to watch a documentary about mysore that was put together, which was explained later...the idea was formed on Dec 29th...with filming starting around Jan 1st and completed around Jan13 (I believe those were the dates). It was put together very quikly, which is available to be purchased with proceeds going to Sri K Patabi Jois trust fund...I apologize for not having the exact information on this and will do my best to find out more and post it later....

A beautiful documentary it is....yogi's sharing there experience of mysore....interviews with Sharath, Saraswati, Tim Feldman, Kino Macgregor and other yogi's I did not recognize by name, Yogi's who were here the past few weeks and some who are still here now....Again, I apologize for lack of info...will post soon, where you can purchase and view this documentary....

Here is the name of the documentary and website

Mysore Magic: Yoga at the Source
http://www.mysoremagicfilms.com/ 

distrify.com


After the documentary showing Sharath went on to speak....the theme being student/Guru-teacher relationship....

He began by saying..."If we experience something good or transforming we are meant to share that." My thoughts went immediately to my teacher/Guru of Transformational Breathwork Dr Judith Kravitz....and how I have experienced this beautiful gift, that has transformed me and how I must share that....Transformational Breath was my greatest teacher Judith Kravitz, my beloved Guru....the practice of yoga/asana came after and what I am finding is they are 2 practices that are very parallel and both leading to the same place.....the journey to the SELF....the I Am That....Our True Essence....there are many names for it. I can say this about the differences and what I know for sure from personal experience is that the breath takes you directly to the core and works it's way out....like the blooming of a beautiful lotus flower....where asana (the physical practice of yoga) starts from the physical, the external, and works it's way in....the breath is a quiker, direct pathway to transformation....

Sharath went on to say how Krishnamacharia and Guruji did just that (shared their transforming experience of yoga). He went on to say when we have something good, we want to give back to it...give back to the guru for the knowledge he has given us.

Paumpata (not sure if I am spelling that correctly, in fact I am certain I am not), but this is known as the relationship between Guru and Student....he said that if too many thoughts, confusion and doubting your guru happen, knowledge will not be passed on, we have to surrender to the Guru to take in knowledge....he said his grandfather (Guruji) had so much knowledge in him, which was unexplainable....you would have to experience it as he did not speak good english and most did not understand him but they did when they experienced his teaching. He said Guruji was very dedicated, always reading books.
He went on to say...

Yoga can be practiced by anyone....it takes great dedication and discipline....

Yoga has to come within you....you have to experience it within you....you have to discipline yourself....many people just read about it....he said you have to cultivate yoga with practice, then the transformation will happen...Your mind, attitude and behavior will change....change will happen if you do asanas....a physcial practice of our bodies and mind.

Everyone has purity within them....It gets covered up by all the illusions. Yoga will get rid of the illusions and bring out the purity within us...yoga practice gets rid of all the physical and mental impurities then the knowledge will grow within us, practice grows within us....it takes a lifetime of practice, not just 1 year 2 year 3 year, a lifetime

We realize the truth of this practice....

He ends with....Thank you...enjoy your holiday....I will see you tuesday....Don't eat too much....the yogis all laugh....

I feel grateful to be here....have more clarity as to why I am here....my heart feels full....

Harvest festival

It is the harvest festival here....Just like we have harvest festival in sag harbor....it is a celebration of the farmers and the animals that help with harvesting.....

In Southern India Pongal is a four-day harvest festival and one of the most joyful events. In Tamil Nadu, newly harvested rice is ceremonially cooked. In Karnataka, the festival is called 'Sankranti', and cows and bullocks are gaily decorated and fed on Pongal, which is a sweet preparation of rice. In the evening, the cattle are led out in procession to the beat of drums and music.
All the four days of Pongal have their own significance as separate deities are worshipped each day.

Anu made savory and sweet pongal for lunch buffet today....delicious, I am going to the festival to see the celebration later on today...will tell you all about it.

What a day.....

My day started with being able to sleep in until 8am....sweet...no practice today....was happy to sleep in a bit as last eve there was a howling dog across the street that woke me up....OMG....she was very dramatic.....Anu quieted her down with a bribe of some bread....did the trick....I must say, I would love to take one of the street dogs home with me.....they are so very sweet and the indians dont treat them very nicely....

I started with a walk to Chakra house for some delicious cardamom coffee, fresh squeezed pineapple juice and a smoothie for breakfast....saw that it was going to be a hot day as the sun was shining bright with not a cloud in the sky so I decided to head to the pool for a bit....was planning to go to the market, however Mahesh (my richshaw driver) said alot of shops were closed because of all the celebrations today....a big harvest day celebration....after a lovely time at the pool with some great conversation and networking exchange with a lovely irish yogi I decided to head home and have lunch at Anu's.....I met a couple of Long Island girls there today, Stacey from Huntington and another gal from plainview (cannot remember her name), also met some other gals from London, Korea, california, portugal, italy....it is amazing the mix of people....they told me about a trip Anu had organized to go to a village to see the harvest celebration and invited me to go...I jumped on the chance....so glad I did as what a special trip it was....It started with about a 30 minute drive out of mysore (with Anu, the owner of the house I am living and the chef  amazing chef at the cafe, telling us stories of history as we drove, so intriquing, I felt such beautiful feelings of joy, contentment, peace and happiness) to a village called Vaddara Hally,  we were met by the head of the village and so many smiling happy children who love love loved to have their picture taken....it was so interesting to see as they begged to have their pic taken and then look at it on my camera....brought such smiles of pure joy to their faces....the head of the village sayed that we made the children so happy by coming today and taking their pictures....imagine that....the simplest thing brought such joy and appreciation to their hearts....we were guided by the head of the village to walk around the village to explore this way of life.....we were welcomed into their homes which they seemed to have such pride for.....so clean, so simple.....I felt so fascinated and curious about this village....such simplicity, such innocence....we were guided to the head of the villages home for some delicious lemon water, cookies and bananas....such a sweet simple home with a beautiful prayer room for puja....had an experience with my first very simple indian toilet....easy...no problem, very simple no waste....the people are very conscious about waste and conserving....makes me think about the states and how we are such a wasteful, unconscious society....sad....not everyone that is....I know for me, how I grew up, my parents were conscious about waste, instilled in us the importance of conserving...one of the things I value in what they taught me....recyclye, compost, re-use....at the time it was annyoying, however now I can appreciate it....

It was time to see move on to the purification ceremony....lighting fire and the cattle with their owners run through the fire......pretty interesting.....I watched in wonder of this culture, this life.....It was now dark and time to go home....the children were very special....so happy, so grateful...goodbye goodbye with such joy....the end to a sweet sweet experience.....on the ride home Anu continued to share history of the culture....I felt so much gratitude in my heart, how lucky am I to be living in her home and sharing this experience......

Giving and receiving help us enter the river of spirit that connects us to each other.  To give to others to feel the joy of creation spilling from us... To receive is to be humbled, to shed our ego and allow another person to penetrate our barriers.  We let them know they matter to us, Our receptive heart becomes a gift to the giver....When love moves through our hearts, tears may rise....joyful tears....love flushes out everything that is buried....
By being open to the children I saw today....giving them a photo, watching the joy and laughter on there faces as they looked at the photo....was one of the purest ways I have every felt giving and receiving.....such tears of joy in my heart....I am truly blessed by this experience.....

Going with the flow....

So today I completed my full 6 days of practice here in mysore....I am making progress in my practice...it feels good....can balance on my feet in pasasana....no rolling of mat....saraswati says "no, you do correct" my shoulder is not hurting as much in backbending when I hold ankles and now calves....loving the heat and how it so much easier, I dont know if easier is the right word, as there is nothing easy about this practice.... hmmmmm, well...I do know for sure that practicing in the heat feels a whole lot better than the cold.....

it is saturday afternoon....day off tomorrow sunday....going to head to the market for a little shopping ;0)) at least that is the plan....let's see what the universe says tomorrow.....

I was feeling a bit jet lagged, sad and lonely yesterday after morning practice.....there are going to be days like that I tell myself and its ok....it just is....

The loneliness comes from being in a new place a new world and not knowing anyone, there are 300 yogi's from all over the world studying here now, the most ever so I am told....I do see my friend Nnadi, which is sweet and fun to have a familiar face in the crowd....but most of the time he is off doing his thing and we get together with friends for dinner and at the coco hut once in a while, but all in all I am alone....I love my alone time and I am ok with it, however some days I feel sad....wish I had a partner to share this experience with....for now my partner is me and it is all good....learning alot about myself....my likes...dislikes...what makes me happy....most of all my inner strength....to be strong and confident in certain situations...particularly those time of dealing with money and the indians... I dont want to be taken advantage of, they see I am a woman alone, I notice it is different when I am with others and how they charge me, I dont think it is an intentional thing or maybe it is, I know they just want money, really nice people, but as I remember corey telling me "you need to be careful"....one indian(a rickshaw driver) actually asked me how much money I was exchanging when I was getting a ride to the bank, "none of your business" I responded. Oh, and I cannot forget about the guy at the grocery store who checked me out and gave me back less change than I was suppose to get, could it have been an honest mistake, yes....well, my instincts told me different just by his reaction when I said he did not give me back enough change....a nice little business he's got going for himself.....I ask myself, why is this happening...Karma....what do I do in my life to bring this to me....when people come to the hamptons for the summer I dont charge rediculous fees for my services...even though I could get it....people tell me I am crazy for what I charge...I talk it over with some friends at lunch....they say "no its not karma....just the way of India."  

I am also learning alot about myself in regard to meeting new people and being in a new environment, a new community of yogi's,  a 3rd world country....No matter how I feel at the prospect of meeting new people and doing new things--clear and confident or nervous and tenuous....the task is always the same....to walk the path of knowing who I am, learning to see others clearly, and dropping my images and expectations so I can live more from my true essence...but being smart about it and using my intellect....this allows me to take the daring plunge into connecting with new people....I am learning how shy I truly am....despite that I teach in front of a room full of people have spoken publicly in front of hundreds of people.....here I feel incredibly shy and uncertain....

I had all these plans in my mind of what I wanted to do yesterday...an ayruvedic adjustment....cooking....pool....shopping....dinner with friends....kirtan....yet, my body was telling me something else so I canceled my adjustment and cooking class so I could rest....needed to listen to my body....took a 3.5 hour nap....pushed myself to get up as I did not want to be up for the night....went to have some lunch at Karma house a delicious tofu vege plate with some chai tea today no coffee....stopped off at a sweet shop that I passed while walking and bought some really pretty things very cheap....then decided I needed to clean up the awful pedicure I had a few days ago and went to the salon right in town here in Gokulum....it was great....I think the closest to a NY mani/pedi I am going to find....even better in alot of ways much much cheaper...only 450rps=$9.00....amazing.....and thats for a spa mani/pedi....a happy girl....lots of pampering going to happen on this trip....I then went home and decided to have one of Anu's delicious smoothies for dinner and some ginger/lemon/honey tea....OMG....sosososo good....the food is so very satisfying....I thought I would push myself to go to the kirtan, which was held right up the road.....walked in and I just was not feeling up to it....so I left, went home and fell to sleep around 9...slept right thru until 5am...got to sleep a little longer as today was a 6:30am class day no mysore....what I am learning is there is a rhythym here for me to stay attuned to....following my instincts and going with the flow instead of making things happen....when I go with the flow things are easy I feel good peaceful....when I am not in the flow...I feel frustrated agitated....good to pay attention, which I have plenty of time to do....

Was feeling achy in class today....funny how when I have no sleep....my practice feels great and when I have lots of sleep....I feel achy....hmmmmm....ok what is up with that Corey?? Utpluthih was not as hard today....only had to cheat once :)) and saraswati did not catch me this time.... Was not feeling tired though after practice...a good thing...feeling well rested....was invited to meet Rachel (a gal from New Jersey) at Nuki's for breakfast, a place I had never been to yet and then go chill at the pool. She gave me directions, however I could not find it....was feeling really frustrated as when I asked the indians I saw for help no one new what I was talking about...I walked all the way there and up to chakra house about a 30 minute walk, was feeling really frustrated as my blood sugar was low and all I had after practice was a coconut...after breakfast went up to the pool hoping to meet up with Rachel, but did not...after some great conversation with a yogi from germany, the clouds kept coming in and out so I decided to leave and head to Anu's for one of her delicious buffets....again my mind racing with all the things I want to do....its interesting to watch how I am not use to just being from working so hard this summer....was always in a rush to get stuff done as I had to get to work by 4....6 nights a week....was working 7 nights a week the last month before I left.....partly for the money and mostly to keep myself busy....here I dont have to keep myself busy....I can read, write...sip tea.... relax....study....shop....sit by the pool...get ice cream....relax some more....take naps....it is different for me.....I like it....I am already planning in my mind my trip back here next january.....

I would not want to live here....at least at this point in my trip that is my opinion....I have only been here 10 days.....I am feeling alot of gratitude for my life in the hamptons....

My first couple of days living in Gokulum

Moved into my new "crib" yesterday....Ganesh's where Anu's cafe is located...a local cafe hangout for all the yogi's....I walkout my apt door and there is the cafe....how cool is that??   Tim Feldman totally hooked me up he is the bomb....this place is so very sweet...I am very happy....Ganesh is super sweet....very helpful....I have yet to spend time with Anu, however tomorrow I take my first cooking class with her and am so excited as my first meal here at the cafe' was so amazing....there is this special chocolate pie....OMG yummmmmmy....the smoothies are a meal in themselves had one last eve with figs and almonds sosososososo good....I am having no problem finding food to my liking Aura....LOL

Been spending most of my time the last 2 days adjusting to my new surroundings here in Gokulum....walking into town...doing a little shopping....went to the local grocery store for the first time to get some necessaties....TP, towels ya know stuff like that....the energy when you go to town is a bit like NYC...chaotic and frenetic....lots of people, cars, scooters, motorcycles and they use their horns as a constant method of communication....to tell you when they are coming, going to turn, are behind you, in front of you, next to you....holy bejesus....horns blowing everywhere....

I am still trying to figure my way around....I am so direction retarded always have been....one of the times I feel the lonliest is when I am trying to find my way around like to the shala in the dark early morning of 5am....it is good for me though...makes my mind strong....yoga chitta vritti nhroda....going to be my new tatoo I think in sanskrit....so for now my sweet rickshaw driver Mahesh is making some good money from me ;0)))

Practice was good today....felt tired....saraswati says I hold my calves in backbending tomorrow....oh boy....going deeper and deeper....woohooo

Signed up for a 2 week Human Anatomy for therapeutic yoga course...begins on monday...I am so excited....met the teacher Noah at lunch yesterday....yes, Corey the universe is sending me all the right people at the right time....xo

Had another peaceful day by the pool....really enjoying my time of being after working so damn hard this past summer....rebuilding my ojas....went to see the incense and oil guy again today to get some more almond oil and some new frankencense...he says I was looking much younger today ;0)))

So it is time to shower and meet up with some friends....going to the bookstore for the first time....fun!

Daily reflections

One of the things that came to me today out of observing the front desk guy who has a rigid heart....he is polite and kind to the best of his ability.....We are all doing the best we can with the knowledge, understanding and wisdom we have at that time....

An awareness comes when the travelers desk guide calls my room as I am packing up to tell me he is now at the desk and I can get the money exchange I need anytime....as he was not there when I went earlier.....I feel such a softness happening with in me and felt truly grateful that he called to let me know and expressed that gratitude through my words....an energy moved through me....this is why I am here...to share my light, love and joy....

I am having ayruvedic osteopathic adjustments almost everyday....focus is to release neck and shoulder pain....been having it for about a year now(is something that has off and on bothered me for years, acted up intensely when I went through my divorce and the pain of loosing my son).....started up again when I ended a love relationship just before I went to the Tim Miller yoga teacher training in Tulum last Jan....Just before I left the pain came on....could not lift my arm, I asked corey if I should practice that day and he told me what he said is what patabi jois would have said....practice....so I came to class and cried through the whole class....the next day the pain was gone....it has come and gone over the year....started raging about 2 months ago....after my session today....feeling the depth of a broken heart....the lonliness I have needed to sit with and now have the time to do....this takes me deep with in myself....a greater understanding of me...my life....feeling it being with it....I trust  my heart will feel light again....off to the pool to chill ;0))

Moving day in with my house family....

Good morning....a beautiful one it is as I sit here in this beautiful garden of a dining area sipping my morning indian coffee with some fresh fruit and freshly squeezed orange juice, I am so blessed to be here, a moment of feeling really sweet about myself and how I did it....I reached my goal, the glorious fullfillment I feel with in my heart brings tears of joy.....

I have been having alot of reflection today on loving kindness in all my relationships and when someone does something that pushes that trigger in me....you know the one that makes you want to lash out in anger.....

....I did not get too much sleep last eve....the dogs and monkeys singing, however I think there may have been more to it....the energy of the full moon possibly....I decided to take some tylenol PM's which I brought in case of emergency and to help with sleep on the plane if it was an issue....I did eventually fall asleep, however woke up at 4:30 feeling a bit groggy from the tylenol (which made for a wobbly practice).....Mahesh had asked me if he could pick me up at 5:10 to go to the shala as he had something he needed to do at my usual time of pickup 5:20....Here it was 5:10....no mahesh, I began to feel agitated....my mind started to go and my ego kicked in...."I cant believe it he asked me to be ready early and he's not even here yet....I could have slept for 10 more minutes....I am paying him, how could he do this....on and on and on"....my loving kind heart was there too...."maybe something happend is he ok?....oh its alright, its only 10 minutes." The issue for me here is one of power and control.....my ego was wanting to feel most powerful over mahesh as I am the one paying for his services, however when we come from  a place of loving kindness there is an equality in relationships....I am no better than him, he no better than me....that doesnt mean I cannot express what I want fom mahesh, however my intention is to  maintain my integrity with grace and a loving heart. When I come from a place of love and spirit a spiritual connection is created and I can relate to everyone I meet (including my rickshaw driver)  through my highest, wisest self, with truth, compassion and an open heart.

There is a little bit of a language barrier for mahesh and myself....he speaks some english, I have a really hard time understanding his english....I did not get completely why he was late and let him know I did not understand....I did get that it was something important with his family and the puja he had last eve at the temple....I did ask him to call me when something like this happens, "yes, madam".....and let it go....taking a breath realizing the more my connection with all people is based in spirituality, the better chance of a lively relationship....there is an energetic knowing between us....I feel more alive....more at peace and it is ok that he was late.....

What I am coming to find on the spiritual path is the rules are simple....
Be kind, compassionate, honest and natural to all.....most of all to yourself as how you treat yourself...you will treat others.....it begins within....

It is time to get going....moving today into my new home with Ganesh and his family....more later.....

A quiet day....

I sit here in my room....feeling tired....been up since 4:30....and I am just now settling into relax mode....started outside in the lovely garden, however it is beginning to get dark....too many nats and mosquitos...so I snuggle up in my cozy bed with my best friend these days....my laptop....I really look forward to this writing time....I am so enjoying it....

It was a quiet day today...relaxing....I feel peaceful...the dust has settled....my mind is quiet....a good place....

Started out back to 5:30am practice after having 2 days (sunday is my day off and monday was a moon day) off I look forward to it...back home I would take a lead class on moon days, however here in mysore....moon days are holidays....celebrations....no practice....

Practice felt good...sweaty....deep deep inside after all the chatter of mind I have been moving through the last 2 days...I was determined to go deep....drishti, breath, bundas....
It is time for backbending....my shoulder is hurting today....hasn't hurt since my therapeautic ayrvedic massage and treatments 2 days ago, however with all the emotional stress I put myself through the last 2 days...it is a bit achy....Saraswati comes to me for drop backs...I whisper to her "my shoulder hurts a bit today"....she says, "you no grab today" with a sweet loving smile....I come up after my drop backs where I walked my hands to my feet but did not grab....she said with a warm smile and slight giggle, "I told you no grab today"..."you almost took feet on your own"...we giggled and she moved to adjusting me in my forward bend....I really like her...a sweet woman....

I decided it was a day of self-relfection to sit a b by the pool today....a lovely day it was....chatted with some yogi's from Tokyo....it is amazing how there are so many yogi's here from all over the world....it was quiet at the pool today....nice...definately got my tan back on....

I then was picked up by my rickshaw driver and it was time to head to The Corner Icecream parlor....had me some fig\honey icecream on a cone today....so delicious after a hot couple of hours in the sun....It was now time to head over to The Karma House to sign up for a class on ayruveda....so excited about that....Ravi lives close by so I stopped by for an  ayruvedic adjustment on my shoulder to ease the pain....and that it did....moved the energy feels a whole lot better....now off to the coconut hut to  meet up with Kino McGregor and Tim Feldman had such a heart felt conversation with them both.....love love love them.... finally it is time to head back to The Green hotel for my last night....I move into my house family tomorrow.....another adjustment, but that is ok too....

oh yea....a big lesson for me yesterday in loving kindness.....
Oh my gosh....had my first indian mani/pedi yesterday....started out good, but ended a bit of a nightmare for me....Kino reccomended this place above The Green Leaf up town or The Southern Star she told me as I passed, her and Tim cruise'n on their motorcycle....I chose above green leaf as I was close by and a walk away.....The prep was good the cleaning, primping, massaging, but then it came to color....OMG....I swear it was like a 2 year old was painting my toes.....The New Yorker in me wanted to fume....the yogi in me....remained calm and did not want to hurt this woman who was trying so hard to make me happy....ok but I had to show her how to paint them and clean up the mess from missing my toes with the nail polish and getting it all over my skin, and it took 3 times of painting and redoing...OMG, it was really bad....it was a mess....2.5 hours later...holy s**t ...one of the great things about NY I suppose is you are in and out in a half hour and I mean really, how could I expect a NY mani/pedi in mysore-maybe you can, I just haven't found it yet, next time it is the Southern Star....anyway....There was a greater lesson here for me....not about the pedicure or how it looked....how I treat people....how I could have been a real demanding NYorker or graciously express my disappoinment (when I was feeling....I mean so damn frustrated) and still leave her a good tip as the first part of the mani\pedi was great and the manager did give me a 10% discount to make up for the mess.....there is a tiger really being tamed in my heart right now..... kindness reflects a warm open heart....instead of instantly casting a stone at this woman, I needed to look inside myself....Loving kindness doesn't suggest we have to like everyone's personality or what they do or how they do it, but we dont have to throw anyone out of our hearts either when they do something we dont like (something I am really good at doing) when I went to say goodbye....the manager said we hope to have you come back....my mind thought...nope I wont be coming back but what I realized in that moment was when you say good-bye to someone or decide not to  see them again, anyone, even a manicurist....remember you are a moment in their story....dont make it a scar....

Good night.....

Another day....

After morning practice....I come to a place of clarity within myself....

Yoga chita vritti niordha: Yoga controls the fluctuation of mind.
One of the great benefits of yoga....one I work on with every practice as I go deeper and deeper inside myself...

I have received a tremendous amount of love and support to continue to write my blog, which I was planning to continue to do yet not publish it as I am enjoying my writing process so very much. Writing on a laptop is so cathartic for me....it flows when I type verses writing with pen and paper...the expression is much deeper. The comfort the writing was giving me....feeling so alone being half way across the world in a strange new environment, trying so hard to adjust to my new surroundings, to fit in....somehow this blog gives me so much comfort....I dont feel so alone...


The support I received from my mom was so very special to me....the encouragement....the love....lifted me up....means so much I find it so difficult to put into words...the energetic expression of loving tears stream down my face....I love you mom....I thank you so very much!

I was feeling so hurt by what people thought of me, my writing, my actions....I began to criticize myself I let my ego take over and started to hurt myself....by pulling away, withdrawing....getting angry....lashing out....My ego was telling me dont let them see you vulnerable, they will know you are defective, bad (a historical learned behavior).   My oldest sister reminded me of this....I am very grateful for that....the love and support she gave me...a blessing...a very special gift.

Sometimes when we are feeling hurt, it can be helpful to remind ourselves of a basic truth: some people will like us and some people won't...some people will enjoy what we have to say and some people won't... Everyone is seeing each other through the stories we create. You. Me. Everyone....No matter how hard I try, I will fit with some and not with others....with acceptance of this truth I can be myself....a good friend to myself and I don't feel hurt.

When we learn to accept, surrender and let go....spirit moves in....I become open to feeling everything inside....I feel safe, ok, unafraid. I begin to see more clearly....I realize I am facing parts of myself that have been triggered....that have always been there...No one made me feel this way...they simply touched a place in me that was not clear and needed healing....healing begins....I get to the other side....the true essence of who I am emerges....my heart blossoms....I connect with the love,  light and purity of who I am....this is the growth....this is the gift...this is what I have to share....and so it is!

So I have decided to publish what I write....to accept, surrender and let go of what people think of me.....and just be me....a beautiful spirit of light, love, peace and joy....sharing a lonely journey to mysore, India.....with the intention of love and inspiration....

Goodbye to my blog

So with deep disappointment I have decided to stop writing a blog....

I write from a place of pure heart about my experience....this is my experience i wished to share, however I am becoming a target of unsolicited advice, judgement and criticism which is incredibly hurtful and I dont wish to put myself in that position any longer.

so to those who plugged in...I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and support....be well Lorna

A morning of humbling, lessons and self reflection.....

Once again I am cracked wide open, yet in a very different way.....

A learning....of when our behaviors or things we say....how they can be misinterpreted because of unclear communication and harm someone...when that was not the intention....

.....has created such a humbling in my heart....such an awareness for me on so many levels....

I started my morning with a conference at the main shala....I arrived early so I would be sure to get a good seat....chatted with Tim Feldman, (who I adore and respect greatly) a little bit pre-confrence....walked in and did get a good seat....I sat and watched slowly the room fill where there was standing room only at the door....so many yogi's and yogini's....so many thoughts going through my mind, where do I fit in? what does all this mean? I feel as if I am a new born baby emerging into this life, this community, so much unknown, scary...my mind changes direction and I see this as an opportunity to take a photo of all the followers who come here to mysore to practice and learn from sharath...after I took the photo...I hear from across the room..."who are you?" "who do you study with?" I softly speak  "Lorna" "Saraswati"....not understanding why he asked...."no photos allowed" Sharath says from across the room....I feel incredibly embarrased....shame comes up....my mind starts to reel....I did not know....I am new to this process....I am so sorry, I never meant to disrespect or harm you in anyway....I decide that I will introduce myself to him after the talk and apologize. He begins by saying how Yoga is getting crazy....not that yoga is crazy but that people are making it crazy....all the different kinds of yoga he sees on the internet, naked yoga-hot yoga crazy he says....He goes on to say how it is the yoga teachers responsibility to keep the purity of yoga and how it is very important to choose a teacher who can guide you properly...one who comes from a lineage and has been practicing for many years. He goes on to say that if we do not keep this purity in years yoga will have a different meaning. This pushes a button with me....something I am struggling with in my own life and practice....also, what I need to do when I channel this teaching....how I need to have utmost integrity and keep it pure....Sharath goes on to talk about the 4 d's of yoga....one being dedication....yogi's have a dedicated life...he goes on to say how sometimes we can get bored and do what we dont want to, things that circumstances make us do, but as a yogi's mind gets stronger he/she is not pulled to these circumstances....dedication to the yogi life superseeds....a good heart and good thinking some of the benefits of living a yogic life....the more you practice purity grows inside you...we no longer seek without....transformation happens within you which brings beautiful meaning to your practice....He grew up around yoga his whole life and started seriously with his practice when he was 19, that he was not clear at that time what yoga was...what it meant....he had many pains with practice....when you live a yogic life you have to make many sacrifices....like having to get up and practice when you dont want to....He asks the audience where we think he learned all about yoga....someone responds..."from yourself" he says "I learned from my grandfather...garuji...watching him, assisting him and he learned from Kristamacharia....again commenting on the importance of a teachers lineage. He goes on to say how people call asking about having a piece of paper that says they can teach this practice....he says "No piece of paper does this...Yoga keeps happening within you." He goes on to say there are many different opinions about yoga and how it is very important to have yoga knowledge...spiritual knowledge...Jesus Christ was a big yogi he says. He went on to talk about attachments and when we have no attachments our practice goes deeper....this is something I experienced personally when I ended my relationship a significant relationship in my life....my practice went much deeper....I connected deeper and deeper within my self....He went on to talk about Stira...which means stable and how a practice of yoga brings you a stable mind.....He ends by saying, "if you have yoga within you....yoga will serve you...many good things will happen....If you dont do it properly you wont experience it."

He then leaves it open for questions....

I have a question that begins to stir in my mind....something that is causing me great conflict in my own heart and life where I am seeking validation so I can decide what to do....I see this as a great opportunity to ask my question to one of the greatest teachers of ashtanga....Sharath....I ask my question...which I choose not to say as I do not want to cause any more harm to anyone....my question is answered but does not bring me clarity and a part of me feels he does not fully understand what the question is better yet as I have learned, he does not have enough information to really understand where I am coming from with my question...this leads to great misinterpretation of my question and names I mentioned, one being Tim Feldman, a teacher I adore, respect greatly and want to follow...in fact after he visited my town of Sag Harbor where I went to his weekend workshop and learned so much and loved his way of teaching and what he taught...I took the first opportunity I saw to go to Miami to take part in one of his workshops....and relished with the idea of moving to Miami to study with him and Kino.
After the confrence was done....I stood on line to speak with Sharath to introduce myself and apologize for taking a photograph...after about a 10 minute wait...I had the opportunity to meet him, introduce myself and apologize....he graciously accepted...saying no problem it is ok....but if I would at some point explain to sharath....I say yes, absolutely I will do that now....feeling terribly embarrased as if I do not want to bother him, I excuse myself and ask if I can explain my question more....he says yes and gives me the answer I already knew, which I will not say as I do not want to hurt anyone....this is about me...no one else...I greatly love and respect all parties involved....
I then see Tim....who says to me "well, thanks alot for that one Lorna", at first I do not understand then I get how my question was mis-interpreted....I feel terrible and explain where I was coming from and could see how my question was unclear probably due to my nervousness of speaking to this admired guru....My remorse continues as how I see what was said hurt Tim...this was not my intention at all in fact it was the exact opposite....My intention was to lift him up in the eyes of the audience and Sharath...that I respected his teaching greatly....we talked briefly....I explained, he understood, we hugged and I went on to walk....feeling so upset....so full of shame....remorse...what did I do?? why did I ask the question? I should have just sat with it.....the tears....begin to run like a faucet....I never meant to harm anyone....let alone Tim Feldman....someone I have grown to love as a teacher and admire....I watch his wife's Kino's videos all the time with great admiration and desire to study with Tim and her....my question mis-interpreted in front of so many people and most importantly to Tim's guru Sharath....and how I made Tim feel.....

I continued to walk to the coconut hut where I saw Chuck....I began to talk to him, and he was great, as I explained myself....he understood and gave me loving supportive advice from his experience's with the same thing....I so appreciate what he shared and the support he gave....yet it did not stop my tears....the shame I was feeling....the regret for how I hurt Tim....Kino then comes...we talk...I say to her I cannot believe how bad that was and how my question was so mis-interpreted....she says"yes it was bad"....as I talk with her she begins to understand and gives me a loving, and supportive advice...also saying how she was concerned for Tim....we all sit....myself, Kino and Chuck...talking....communicating...then Tim comes walking up....I hug him and apologize once again....fighting back tears and sobbing about how terrible I feel....he was so very gracious and understood once I explained to him my story and where I was coming from and how it was all about mis-interpretation, mis communication, and unclear information....It was a really heart warming exchange, I feel blessed that Tim was open to hearing me, accepting and understanding. There are so many lessons in the experience for me and has taken me to a deep place of humbling....recognizing the insecurities this brought up in me, my ego, my inner trickster affirming how this situation means I am not good enough, how I fucked up once again, I should never ask questions they only hurt people...this is my ego, acting out of fear trying to cover up my true essence....staying loyal to my spiritual journey means living with integrity...even when it hurts. Knowing that I make mistakes....it was about mis-interpretation and mis-communication....I have to surrender and accept that and with that mercy and compassion emerge naturally and stay with the true essence of who I am, which allows me to give and receive love more freely....

I dedicate this blog to Tim Feldman....a wonderful, endearing, smart, loving dedicated, devoted teacher with whom I have tremendous respect and teacher/student love....

A full nights sleep

I sit this morning in the lovely garden of the green hotel sipping my morning indian coffee feeling incredibly blessed to be here.....Today is my day off from practice, I miss practice yet it is nice to have a leasurely morning with no thought of having to work....such a sweet feeling....headed to a confrence at 10am at the main shala with Sharat....I so look forward to meeting him and hearing him speak....

Slept through the night for the first time....woke to the dogs and monkeys singing once again but this time it did not keep me awake....I have learned how to sleep through loud noise....no need for using white noise to sleep any longer....It is amazing how having some good sleep can make us feel....bringing in a new perspective....I feel like I am really here now....I suppose what I was experiencing the last few days was jet lag and did not really get it as I never experienced it before....now I get it....my mind wanders to what the experience will be like when I return home...then I stop the noise bring myself back to this moment...no sense in even going there....progress....I am really making progress ;0))

I had such a fun time last night....went to dinner with Nnadi, Chuck, Revi, Mariel and Marian.....such fun....I really cannot wait to move into my house and be in the town....we all met at the coconut shack and walked up to this restaurant (which I cannot remember the name) a place Revi (a local mysorian) reccommended....it was really fabulous food....and the company just marvelous....Chuck ( a yogi with a yoga studio in New Jersey)...you crack me up!!!! Then walking back into town in the dark of night....town still jamming....it is like NYC in a way....so many people....so much to see and do....so much going on....alive....Said goodnight to Mariel and Marian 2 great gals from massachusettes on a 4 month tour of India, they are here in mysore for 1 month....met them both on my first morning ride to practice....they started out staying at the green hotel and have moved into a house....My night ended with Chuck asking mahesh....my rickshaw driver to drive us around town in his pimp of a ride with some great indian music blasting..much fun was had....Chuck's spirit is a total blast of fun.....a perfect end to another wonderful day.  

some reflection....

I have some time of rest before meeting some friends for a fun night out of dinner and dancing.....woohoo...no practice tomorrow....

I am finding that I really enjoy writing....writing my experience....sharing my feelings...its fun...helps me to connect with my pure essence which is free, open, spontaneous and creative....Since I have gotten here it is as if a barrier has been lifted from my heart....a process that was beginning a few months before left....It is as if there is this expansive energy washing through my body cracking the boundries of limiting beliefs and limitations, exposing me to the vastness of who I truly am....allowing this energy to flow brings rich rewards....this tender spot in my heart which allows me to embrace all of the human experience I am having and to love with the pure essence of who I am....I see the indian children....such love and light in there eyes....as I was driving in my rickshaw today...a small little boy with his head popping out the window....looking at me with such love, tenderness and curiosity....I wave...he gives a smile....so sweet...

We decided not to do the zoo today....it was a day for yogi's and yogini's alike to chill at the pool....the sun was strong and hot.....got my tan back on after today for sure....

P.S.

Please know that in my writing...the comment I made about silly direction from the teacher....is not in anyway to critize or judge....as I know they are only trying to help....My intention was just to state a difference I felt with a teacher who just counts and how this style helps me to focus....there is no distraction of trying to figure out what the teacher means.....In love and light....always

Post...First 6:30am class with Saraswati

Today was the first day of a led class with Saraswati at 6:30am....

I was feeling good this morning as I did get about 5 hours sleep last eve despite the symphony coming from the dogs and monkeys....

I was so looking forward to class....I must say to Erika....though I love the way my hair is no longer a distraction during practice....hence the braided hair suggestion....I so do not like the preparation I have to make before asana....to frustrating for me to braid my hair....but it works and it is fun too....so know that I think of you every day as I braid my lovely locks...

The past few days I have been practicing at Saraswati's house (a new shala location...much smaller and intimate than the main shala)....today led class was at the main shala....my first time.....walking in everyone is silent....signs reading please keep the silence....a massive ceiling, much larger than the space at saraswati's....you can feel the energy...the energy of the past lineage of all who practiced here before me.....the alter with photos of the beloved guruji....we all sit and wait for saraswati.....her presence is felt....I could feel her walking in...no need to see her visibly...everyone stands and takes samasthitih...bowing to the beloved teacher.....I get goose bumps as we take our first suryanamaskara.....the room is much bigger so I see I need to have greater focus on bundas to build more heat today....much easier in the smaller shala.....Saraswati's presence so powerful....penetrating....i feel so blessed to be here...in her presence....being led by her....she only counts....long counts....deep deeper into myself it takes me....deepening my focus...my bundas...my drishti.....the room is very still despite being full of people.....saraswati just counts....no silly direction of "now take your right inner thigh and rap it around your left butt cheek pressing down into the floor"....no distraction of a chatty teacher....just focus....I am feeling internally strong....holding the exhale of chaturanga....much longer...takes much strength today.....I get my first direction in padagusthasana....grabbed my toes before her direction.....no do....stop wait...she tells me....I learn.....remembering always what corey would say about led class....it is a time to follow the teachers lead.....the slow count today....making me work very hard.....Saraswati is stopping lots of students in mid primary....my mind wanders....feeling grateful for the help of corey and erika over the past few months....tweeking my practice to get it right....when we get to navasana....I think of Frances telling me how I need to lift....I think for sure I am going to get stopped....but no....I continue on....navasana very difficult again with Saraswati's count....very shaky legs today....I make it all the way through....just when I thought the challenge of my strength was over....we get to Ulpluthih....Holy s#%t....saraswathi's count feels like 25 breaths....not 10....just when I thought she did not see me cheating....I feel her energy come up behind me....no cheating...you lift....I smile up at her....she smiles back....time for shavasana....I am overcome with sensations in my heart center.....feelings of deep deep gratitude begin to rise.....for being here....in the sacred presence of this shala....the teachers....the students.....again my mind goes to Scottie....I am grateful for his guiding me to the path....the love in my heart for him so pure so real.....the tears flow.....once again I am cracked wide open....my heart continues to blossom....I am grateful....

Such a great day....day 3

Wow....thats what I have to say about this day....absolutely amazing....it gets better and better each moment I am here....

My day started with another amazing practice....no sobbing or tears today though....thank goodness....Sawaswati just had me hold my calfs in backbending....piece of cake....it actually felt really good....it is so sweet to practice in the heat....my body can go so much deeper with greater ease....I love it....so be easy on yourselves my lovely sag harbor yogi buds....practicing in the cold is not easy....the body just does not want to bend in the cold....never mind grab your ankles in backbending......

Finally,  met up with Nnadi after practice at the coconut wagon, love him, such a sweetheart of a guy....it was a fun chat getting caught up on the local sag harbor bhakti yoga breakfast club, he loves your pen Aura....with him and making new friends....we all made plans to take a jaunt together over to the Mysore Zoo tomorrow....should be another fun day. After 2 coconuts it was time to go back to the hotel for a nap, shower and something to eat...got back and crashed....a sweet nap...I did not want to get up....feeling like sleeping during the day as in sag harbor that is night time....I push myself to get up and have some delicious indian cardamom coffee to kick my butt in gear...When I am then visited by a monkey in my room...I left my door open, I wont be doing that again....he quikly left as 3 indian women were shouting outside my door woman ahhhh woman.....it was sweet....then 2 more monkeys came along hanging out outside my door.....then off to noon time chanting at the shala.....well, I missed chanting as I was suppose to be there at 11:45, but that was not what I was told....Its ok...I go next time....I meet up with Nnadi again.....this time he changed his hair do....he shaved his head......funny when I saw him at first my first thought was wow....there is another tall black dude here that looks like nnadi....LOL....it was him....looks great!! We walk down to the other coconut hut where all the yogi's and yogini's hang out....trying to decide what to do....I want to explore....there is so much to see....Nnadi introduces me to a guy name Levi.....we start talking....he is a local....I shared with him how I want to study ayruveda but I am not sure which school to go to or where to get info....it is true what they say god sends us people at the right time....well, he says I take you....I hop on his scooter ( man they drive craaaazzzzy in mysore) no helmets....just crazy...take my word for it.....Levi takes me to a place where I can study Ayruveda....I am excited....he then tells me he does ayruveda massage....hmmmmmmm I thought I was just talking to myself this morning about how I need a massage....so, I ask him if he can give me a massage today....he says yes....2.5 hrs for 10000rupees....that is only 20 american dollars people....it was the most amazing healing massage I have ever had....amazing....I left there feeling amazing....had only a little time to get showered and ready for kirtan....I was feeling so happy and excited for this adventure.....when I got to the hotel I had another delicious meal of vegetable curry and rice.....the food is so incredibly good....I am so loving it.....Had the coconut chutney today Frances....amazing!!! The Kirtan was beautiful....so many people.....so much fun....full of love, light and joy. Then ended my night with a night ride on Levi's scooter ( a little scary at night) he tells me dont be scared....be open....you will be ok.....Yea right I am thinking these indians drive like crazzzzyy....I could hear my dad in my head telling me to be safe and dont do anything stupid....well, I thought is this what he would mean by something stupid??? Well, it was lots of fun....he took me for some delicious vegetarian icecream....better then the gelato in miami aura....I didnt taste all the flavors though this time....just settled for pistachio....it was lots of fun....good conversation....amazing icecream....he then took me back to the hotel where at one point he drove on the opposite side of the rode against traffic....trust be open I told myself as I have permanent metal marks on my hands for holding on so tight.....the end to what was such a great day......

As a traveler on a path to love, I am learning to open myself to whatever comes my way, fear, hurt, neediness, joy, bliss, love, companionship--I invite it in, observe it, make friends with it and let it pass. This way of being...staying awake....alive....open....frees me from holding back and allows me to feel the roar, purr, glow and breath of my spirit sensuous and alive....I FEEL GOOD~~


A poem from Rumi....
"The spiritual path wrecks the body and afterwards restores it to health.  It destroys the house to unearth the treasure and with that treasure builds it better than before"

Such a fun day....day 2

Took a rest after practice....was feeling really raw....my heart was ripped wide open...as if I could go any deeper....The ego fears surrender....our soul, however longs for us to crack our shells, leap in the oean, and become naked to ourselves and others. In doing so we become free to experience all that is within us the power of our sexuality and passion, creativity, generosity and tenderness along with the parts of us that are whiny, afraid, dependent, controlling, empty, violent or needy....this is one of the gifts of yoga for me....today I was once again cracked wide open.....

How I feel is how I feel....so I have learned....what I think is what I think....Instead of stopping the flow of these thoughts and feelings....I allow them to flow...I be with them...observe them...explore their origins....They are my teacher....all transformation starts with awareness....when I allow myself to make friends with all of who I am and allow the emotions to flow and move....mercy and compassion emerge naturally and I begin to move naturally into living my true essence....this in turn freed me to give and recieve love so much deeper today....and a fun day it was with deep connection with all that I met on my path today....It started with Mahesh my personal rickshaw driver....a really sweet man....who seems to be looking out for me so I do not get taken advantage of as I shared with him the other drivers and where they took me to shop....very expensive he said...."ok....I am learning." I ran out of my egyptian goddess oil and thought I could purchase some good stuff here....well, for sure....Mahesh took me to this amazing Oil Market Herbal's shop and introduced me to Salheer....an amazing experience....delicious oils at a really good price....so pure....sat me down for about an hour long experience of smelling and sampling all of his amazing oils while sipping some delicious chai and indian coffee with pure cardamom oil....delicious'....I smelled like a true yogi....I observed a little boy sitting next to his grandmother who was making incense sticks....he looked so happy and content....his big brown eyes staring up at me....you could see the pure love of spirit in his eyes.....It was then time to go....I could not decide what to do next...so much to see and do.....I have plenty of time I thought....so time to relax and sit by the pool....had another amazing poolside meal and enjoyed soaking up some vitamin D....thinking of my lovely sag harbor friends....freezing.....ooops dont mean to rub it in or anything....LOL....

So, I look forward to a restful evening... and another beautiful day tomorrow <3

Post practice day 1

Now I know for sure why I practice and why I am here.....

practice felt so good today.....much needed.....
I walk in the room and I am greeted by a nice hot room with lots of sweaty bodies....there is saraswathi.....it feels so good in the room....it is nice to be in the heat after having been in sag harbors cold for a few months.....I begin to sweat after my first suryanamaskara....ahhhhhhh it is going to be a deep practice.....and it is.....I go all the way to where I am at Tapovana parsva dhanurasana....saraswathi asks me at navasana if I know full primary....I say yes and continue on in my practice....she asks me at Garbha pindasana if I can bind in supta kurmasana and I say yes....I suppose she did not see me so she has me do it again....ok....I do....move on.....time for back bending.....everything just felt so easy today.....deep....the heat, the sweat just opening things up so sweetly....backbending....felt so nice....saraswathi had me hold my ankles today....hmmmmmmm my first day....the exact opposite of what people said would happen for me......ahhhhhh closing postures.....my fav...I love to relish in them deep long breaths after all the hard work.....as I lay in shivasana saraswathi is talking to a student....I hear her say byron bay....the tears begin to flow....sobbing....incredible sobbing.....I am reminded of scottie....more grief is there....I thought it was over....yet another layer.....the gratitude I had for him for he was the facilitator of getting me back on the path of ashtanga......the love I carry for him in my heart....the grief I feel over the loss....still there....takes over me.....wishing he was with me sharing this journey....he chooses not to.....he does not want to.....I am reminded of that.....my heart feels heavy....heavy with grief now....I am reminded of why I practice....what this does for me.....takes me deep deep deep inside my being....to the heart and core of my soul....takes me to a depth that I have only known with transformational breathwork....grief is a part of life.....loss a part of life....I have had so much of it.....dont want it.....want someone in my life who wants to be and stay by my side...share life....share this life....the good the bad the sweetness......a longing in my heart.....so strong...so real....so there.....feeling this grief will take me to the other side.....into the light....out of the darkness of grief.....

I am hungry.....I rest.....go have some breakfast at the yogi cafe'....hang by the pool....get some tan on....see what is there for me and what I have to offer.....

My first day of practice

So I am up at 4:30am to practice after not sleeping at all lastnight....well, maybe a little I think I fell asleep around 3am.....feeling ok though this morn with a half hour to wait for my rickshaw ride to the shala....asking myself why the F do I do this? why am I here? Maybe I will go home like now or early? but then again all  I would  be doing is working and freezing my ass off in Sag Harbor anyway so I might as well stay here in the warm sunshine, get up early practice, get to know the place  and hang by the pool, read, write?? ....I suppose these are all good questions that take me to a greater understanding of myself and life.... I am learning alot about my mind right now.....fun :0))

Boy do I need to practice.....I see now one of the reasons I practice....progress...I am making progress.....

P.S.

oh and did a little shopping today....FUN!! A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do to ease her mind....salon was closed :(( will revisit that one tomorrow.....

My first day in mysore

Experiencing many different emotions today....my mind is really being....shall I say....creative....asking myself why, why did I decide to do this....why do I practice yoga....for what?? What do I want to do with this?? All these questions to take me out of the present of just being in the moment.....part of me wants to run....all the newness...figuring things out....fitting in to the group....oye vey....just be I tell myself...breathe and enjoy....remembering what Corey and Erika said about being with what was present in the moment....open to what happens in each moment, who is presented to me....

Enjoyed my first cup of delicious indian coffee....

Got my first ride in a rickshaw to the shala and fully registered....I will be practicing with Saraswathi the first month at 5:30 in the morning....beginning tomorrow....I need to practice....quiet my mind....

Bumped into Tim Feldman and Kino McGregor at the coconut hut....met Kino for the first time....sweet....was hoping to see Nnadi....met a guy who knows him....but no Nnadi...maybe tomorrow....I would love a sight seeing buddy....

Feeling a bit out of sorts....this to shall pass....

Settling in...

I have settled into my room after sleeping all morning....boy was I wiped out....wanted to keep sleeping, however thought it would be in my best interest to force myself to stay awake so I can hopefully sleep tonight....

It is a beautiful day....blue sunny sky...temp must be near 80.....I look forward to getting my tan back on....

Well, I am going to get it together and venture over to the shala to see what time I practice in the morning.....

I have arrived in mysore

well....interesting....it is 8am here and I arrived at my hotel about a half hour ago....wiped out....the ride from bangalore to mysore....I bit bumpy and chaotic....I had a terrible case of car sickness and decided to close my eyes and rest for the 3 hour ride....until the sun came up and I could see my surroundings.....hmmmm a monkey is outside my window....just stepped out to take his picture and he is gone as an indian man uses a sling shot to scare him away....wow I think....this is going to be fun and exciting after all....
I am feeling tired....wiped out....so I began to feel doubtful....doubtful of my new surroundings....it is so interesting to me how emotions change moment to moment.....something I like to watch within myself....how now when I am tired I feel doubtful....I trust and surrender to the process and all is well...I feel at peace...

I flew via Emerits airline....what an amazing airlines....Aura, you would have loved it...I could not believe the service....I am comparing it to my last flight to miami with spirit....they wanted to charge for a cup of water....it is amazing to me how airlines charge you for everything these days....not emerits...delicious vegetarian meals....socks, toothbrush, movies, tv....a huge plane with plenty of room....it really did not seem like a long flight at all....besides the 2 screaming children behind me once morning arrived and they woke up.....

Time to rest a bit...then venture out to hopefully meet up with nnadi and Tim....

The Hampton Jitney ride to the airport...

As I begin to settle into my body, I relax in the knowing that I do not have to work and time is open, free....I am free to just settle into my journey and what is in the moment....no schedule, just to get to my flight on time.....what a beautifully freeing feeling I have within my heart right now.....I did this....all the bills are paid for the next few months....I have plenty of money in my pocket to travel in comfort and ease....I feel so accomplished with myself....tears of joy fill my eyes with a deep love and appreciation for myself and how I have come through so many challenges and life just feels like ease....I am sure there will be challenges, however compared to what I have been through over the years...I know for sure or at least I think....things wont be as hard anymore....

I left sag harbor feeling so full of love, safe as if I mean something to alot of people...for this I am so grateful....never to be taken for granted as I have never felt that before....in fact for years I felt the exact opposite....as if Idid not matter and no one cared...now I know different and boy does that feel sweet in my heart...all filled up....what a great way to start my journey.....

Bye bye from sag harbor

So here I am at one of my fav places...provisions with my fav buddies...the Bhakti breakfast club...feeling all loved up....I am going to miss these wonderful peeps....love love love them....that's all for now...xoxo