Thursday, January 19, 2012

Moments of self-reflection.....and my 2nd conference with Sharath

I come back to my breath....letting go of those I love has been one of the most excruciating, painful experiences for me....

I come to a place where I realize I am still letting go of a love I feel for someone deep deep within my heart.....I release the veil, I drop my ego and realize I need to let go even more...I have been holding on....holding on to ideas....fantasies, hope....yet these were all veil's.....veil's hiding the truth....my essence....the little girl in me who feels so alone....so scared....so vulnerable....so lost.....it takes me to a place of presence....truth...honesty....peace.....love within myself.....

When we have a life experience of loss....lots of loss....we can let it define us and become angry, resentful, bitter, ridden with dis...ease and illness or we can take the path of learning....Free your heart....and make peace with the past...I have chosen to make peace....this is not an easy journey....to process the pain, to tenderly touch our wounds, explore our false core beliefs and to take ourselves and our past with everyone in it into our hearts where all healing is possible....to forgive our past and everyone in it is to forgive ourselves and to forgive ourselves is to forgive our past....this is the journey I choose.....this trip to india has taken me deeper into that journey...another layer I did not know was possible.....

A spiritual warrior:
Awareness, Courage, and gentleness are the basic "weapons" of the warrior of the    heart.....John Welwood

One of the search's I have with myself is....how do I want to take what I have learned and share it with people in a way that helps them on their journey in this life??

I put all my energy into waiting on tables to make good money....this takes away my energy for my TB (transformational Breath) and P/T (personal training) practice......

I want to make a change.....they say the beginning is awareness....it will all fall into place....ideas are streaming in my mind.....

My greatest teacher, Judith Kravitz, I am eternally grateful...


The burning smell of garbage is really beginning to get to me....the noise, dogs non stop barking....the sound of cars....horns....constant horns....the dust, dirt....my feet are constantly dirty....something that bugs me out...even at home, I hate when my feet are dirty....here I have permanent dirt marks on my feet.....I have learned to not wash my hair for....well this week is the longest....4 days....trying to help conserve water....my hair does not need to be washed that much anyway....it is interesting....the efforts to conserve.....I have very little clothing with me....but I manage.....dont need alot......

My loneliness....

one of the many things I am learning about myself on this trip is the depth of the loneliness I carry within my heart....historical loneliness....another layer....wanting to release to take me to a greater level of understanding of myself....

Everything is perfect....where I am at the time is perfect....I am accepting this more and more everyday....being totally present with every moment and encounter....the journey with myself....

No practice today....I did not sleep well the last 3 nights....lastnight what was bothering me and upsetting my state of well-being was the smell of burning....they burn leaves and garbage here all the time....the pollution, is beginning to really affect how I feel especially when I do not practice....the house next door to where I am living likes to burn early morning throughout the day and at night....even if I close my windows the smell permeates my room as it did at 6am this morning and woke me up....I was feeling like I wanted to move....go home....how can I stay here in this toxic air....I got out of bed around 730 got dressed and walked up to Anoki's what I feel is one of the best cafe's....they serve the most delicious masala coffee and shakes....I was feeling deep feelings of lonliness this morning as I sat at a community table with about 8 other yogi's and I still felt so alone, I did not engage in conversation with them or them with me, just listened, one of the yogi's asked me for ganesh's phone number to arange a taxi, however that was the extent of my conversation....totally observing my response to all of what is happening around me and my response to it....on my way out to head home to do my daily breathing practice I saw a wonderful couple (whom I cannot remember their names) she is originally from chicago and he from columbia....they are now living and teaching english in Korea....they seemed totally interested in me and wanting to have a conversation, after about 5 minutes of standing there talking I decided to take a seat and enjoy the conversation.....a deep intimate conversation it was....I really enjoyed it....now it was time to head to the conference with sharath, my second one. feeling a little anxiety after my first conference experience, wondering what this one will be like....we arrive just in time....the room is already full of yogi's....I find a spot....the same as last, close to the front of the room against the wall....I observe many people taking photograph's...."this is crazy," I am thinking as I was told no photos allowed...how could this be?? what a lesson for me....I felt so much relief, like it was not such a bad thing that I took a photo.....it just happened that the day I did it no one else was.....I was so hard on myself for taking that photo that day....what a lesson on not personalizing things, not to take things so to heart as I did.....I am so incredibly sensitive....something I already knew and see the depths of it more and more with these types of experiences....my ability to feel....so deep....

The path from fear to love is the spiritual journey. When we tell the truth to ourselves, let go of compulsive behaviors, stop making excuses, we will naturally feel less fear and more love because we've removed the masks of fear. We don't create love, we simply let go of our false selves, and feel the love that has always been shining brightly at the core of our being....
....we can also say the spiritual journey is the path to the SELF....as I stay atuned to myself, my feelings, drop the veils, allow them accept that this is who I am, a very sensitive girl at heart, it helps me to connect more and more with that girl in me that has so much love to give.....this is the love that shines brightly at the core of my being.....

Please know that I do my best to be accurate with my sharing of what was said at the conference....I write free hand and sometimes cannot write as fast as sharath speaks, and it is hard to understand what he is saying also, listening from far away....so I may miss some key points....I write from my perspective in telling the story from my heart with my greatest knowing of truth at the time....

The conference began today with Sharath telling us the reason for the early time of meeting today is he was being honored and invited to speak somewhere....He then tells us we are going to watch a documentary about mysore that was put together, which was explained later...the idea was formed on Dec 29th...with filming starting around Jan 1st and completed around Jan13 (I believe those were the dates). It was put together very quikly, which is available to be purchased with proceeds going to Sri K Patabi Jois trust fund...I apologize for not having the exact information on this and will do my best to find out more and post it later....

A beautiful documentary it is....yogi's sharing there experience of mysore....interviews with Sharath, Saraswati, Tim Feldman, Kino Macgregor and other yogi's I did not recognize by name, Yogi's who were here the past few weeks and some who are still here now....Again, I apologize for lack of info...will post soon, where you can purchase and view this documentary....
Here is the name of the documentary and website
distrify.com


After the documentary showing Sharath went on to speak....the theme being student/Guru-teacher relationship....

He began by saying..."If we experience something good or transforming we are meant to share that." My thoughts went immediately to my teacher/Guru of Transformational Breathwork Dr Judith Kravitz....and how I have experienced this beautiful gift, that has transformed me and how I must share that....Transformational Breath was my greatest teacher Judith Kravitz, my beloved Guru....the practice of yoga/asana came after and what I am finding is they are 2 practices that are very parallel and both leading to the same place.....the journey to the SELF....the I Am That....Our True Essence....there are many names for it. I can say this about the differences and what I know for sure from personal experience is that the breath takes you directly to the core and works it's way out....like the blooming of a beautiful lotus flower....where asana (the physical practice of yoga) starts from the physical, the external, and works it's way in....the breath is a quiker, direct pathway to transformation....

Sharath went on to say how Krishnamacharia and Guruji did just that (shared their transforming experience of yoga). He went on to say when we have something good, we want to give back to it...give back to the guru for the knowledge he has given us.

Paumpata (not sure if I am spelling that correctly, in fact I am certain I am not), but this is known as the relationship between Guru and Student....he said that if too many thoughts, confusion and doubting your guru happen, knowledge will not be passed on, we have to surrender to the Guru to take in knowledge....he said his grandfather (Guruji) had so much knowledge in him, which was unexplainable....you would have to experience it as he did not speak good english and most did not understand him but they did when they experienced his teaching. He said Guruji was very dedicated, always reading books.
He went on to say...

Yoga can be practiced by anyone....it takes great dedication and discipline....

Yoga has to come within you....you have to experience it within you....you have to discipline yourself....many people just read about it....he said you have to cultivate yoga with practice, then the transformation will happen...Your mind, attitude and behavior will change....change will happen if you do asanas....a physcial practice of our bodies and mind.

Everyone has purity within them....It gets covered up by all the illusions. Yoga will get rid of the illusions and bring out the purity within us...yoga practice gets rid of all the physical and mental impurities then the knowledge will grow within us, practice grows within us....it takes a lifetime of practice, not just 1 year 2 year 3 year, a lifetime

We realize the truth of this practice....

He ends with....Thank you...enjoy your holiday....I will see you tuesday....Don't eat too much....the yogis all laugh....

I feel grateful to be here....have more clarity as to why I am here....my heart feels full....

2 comments:

  1. your journey is touching and reduced me to tears at points. Your emotions and insecurities are so like my own. i always feel alone in my journey with no partner along the way, like no one really gets it. i was curious as to what it is really like to study yoga in Mysore. i think you are brave to face those challenges in the face of the unknown. i don't think i could handle seeing poorly treated dogs in India and that alone deters me. I can not stand up for myself at all and i would let all the Indians rip me off probably. i hope you keep up your blog

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