A learning....of when our behaviors or things we say....how they can be misinterpreted because of unclear communication and harm someone...when that was not the intention....
.....has created such a humbling in my heart....such an awareness for me on so many levels....
I started my morning with a conference at the main shala....I arrived early so I would be sure to get a good seat....chatted with Tim Feldman, (who I adore and respect greatly) a little bit pre-confrence....walked in and did get a good seat....I sat and watched slowly the room fill where there was standing room only at the door....so many yogi's and yogini's....so many thoughts going through my mind, where do I fit in? what does all this mean? I feel as if I am a new born baby emerging into this life, this community, so much unknown, scary...my mind changes direction and I see this as an opportunity to take a photo of all the followers who come here to mysore to practice and learn from sharath...after I took the photo...I hear from across the room..."who are you?" "who do you study with?" I softly speak "Lorna" "Saraswati"....not understanding why he asked...."no photos allowed" Sharath says from across the room....I feel incredibly embarrased....shame comes up....my mind starts to reel....I did not know....I am new to this process....I am so sorry, I never meant to disrespect or harm you in anyway....I decide that I will introduce myself to him after the talk and apologize. He begins by saying how Yoga is getting crazy....not that yoga is crazy but that people are making it crazy....all the different kinds of yoga he sees on the internet, naked yoga-hot yoga crazy he says....He goes on to say how it is the yoga teachers responsibility to keep the purity of yoga and how it is very important to choose a teacher who can guide you properly...one who comes from a lineage and has been practicing for many years. He goes on to say that if we do not keep this purity in years yoga will have a different meaning. This pushes a button with me....something I am struggling with in my own life and practice....also, what I need to do when I channel this teaching....how I need to have utmost integrity and keep it pure....Sharath goes on to talk about the 4 d's of yoga....one being dedication....yogi's have a dedicated life...he goes on to say how sometimes we can get bored and do what we dont want to, things that circumstances make us do, but as a yogi's mind gets stronger he/she is not pulled to these circumstances....dedication to the yogi life superseeds....a good heart and good thinking some of the benefits of living a yogic life....the more you practice purity grows inside you...we no longer seek without....transformation happens within you which brings beautiful meaning to your practice....He grew up around yoga his whole life and started seriously with his practice when he was 19, that he was not clear at that time what yoga was...what it meant....he had many pains with practice....when you live a yogic life you have to make many sacrifices....like having to get up and practice when you dont want to....He asks the audience where we think he learned all about yoga....someone responds..."from yourself" he says "I learned from my grandfather...garuji...watching him, assisting him and he learned from Kristamacharia....again commenting on the importance of a teachers lineage. He goes on to say how people call asking about having a piece of paper that says they can teach this practice....he says "No piece of paper does this...Yoga keeps happening within you." He goes on to say there are many different opinions about yoga and how it is very important to have yoga knowledge...spiritual knowledge...Jesus Christ was a big yogi he says. He went on to talk about attachments and when we have no attachments our practice goes deeper....this is something I experienced personally when I ended my relationship a significant relationship in my life....my practice went much deeper....I connected deeper and deeper within my self....He went on to talk about Stira...which means stable and how a practice of yoga brings you a stable mind.....He ends by saying, "if you have yoga within you....yoga will serve you...many good things will happen....If you dont do it properly you wont experience it."
He then leaves it open for questions....
I have a question that begins to stir in my mind....something that is causing me great conflict in my own heart and life where I am seeking validation so I can decide what to do....I see this as a great opportunity to ask my question to one of the greatest teachers of ashtanga....Sharath....I ask my question...which I choose not to say as I do not want to cause any more harm to anyone....my question is answered but does not bring me clarity and a part of me feels he does not fully understand what the question is better yet as I have learned, he does not have enough information to really understand where I am coming from with my question...this leads to great misinterpretation of my question and names I mentioned, one being Tim Feldman, a teacher I adore, respect greatly and want to follow...in fact after he visited my town of Sag Harbor where I went to his weekend workshop and learned so much and loved his way of teaching and what he taught...I took the first opportunity I saw to go to Miami to take part in one of his workshops....and relished with the idea of moving to Miami to study with him and Kino.
After the confrence was done....I stood on line to speak with Sharath to introduce myself and apologize for taking a photograph...after about a 10 minute wait...I had the opportunity to meet him, introduce myself and apologize....he graciously accepted...saying no problem it is ok....but if I would at some point explain to sharath....I say yes, absolutely I will do that now....feeling terribly embarrased as if I do not want to bother him, I excuse myself and ask if I can explain my question more....he says yes and gives me the answer I already knew, which I will not say as I do not want to hurt anyone....this is about me...no one else...I greatly love and respect all parties involved....
I then see Tim....who says to me "well, thanks alot for that one Lorna", at first I do not understand then I get how my question was mis-interpreted....I feel terrible and explain where I was coming from and could see how my question was unclear probably due to my nervousness of speaking to this admired guru....My remorse continues as how I see what was said hurt Tim...this was not my intention at all in fact it was the exact opposite....My intention was to lift him up in the eyes of the audience and Sharath...that I respected his teaching greatly....we talked briefly....I explained, he understood, we hugged and I went on to walk....feeling so upset....so full of shame....remorse...what did I do?? why did I ask the question? I should have just sat with it.....the tears....begin to run like a faucet....I never meant to harm anyone....let alone Tim Feldman....someone I have grown to love as a teacher and admire....I watch his wife's Kino's videos all the time with great admiration and desire to study with Tim and her....my question mis-interpreted in front of so many people and most importantly to Tim's guru Sharath....and how I made Tim feel.....
I continued to walk to the coconut hut where I saw Chuck....I began to talk to him, and he was great, as I explained myself....he understood and gave me loving supportive advice from his experience's with the same thing....I so appreciate what he shared and the support he gave....yet it did not stop my tears....the shame I was feeling....the regret for how I hurt Tim....Kino then comes...we talk...I say to her I cannot believe how bad that was and how my question was so mis-interpreted....she says"yes it was bad"....as I talk with her she begins to understand and gives me a loving, and supportive advice...also saying how she was concerned for Tim....we all sit....myself, Kino and Chuck...talking....communicating...then Tim comes walking up....I hug him and apologize once again....fighting back tears and sobbing about how terrible I feel....he was so very gracious and understood once I explained to him my story and where I was coming from and how it was all about mis-interpretation, mis communication, and unclear information....It was a really heart warming exchange, I feel blessed that Tim was open to hearing me, accepting and understanding. There are so many lessons in the experience for me and has taken me to a deep place of humbling....recognizing the insecurities this brought up in me, my ego, my inner trickster affirming how this situation means I am not good enough, how I fucked up once again, I should never ask questions they only hurt people...this is my ego, acting out of fear trying to cover up my true essence....staying loyal to my spiritual journey means living with integrity...even when it hurts. Knowing that I make mistakes....it was about mis-interpretation and mis-communication....I have to surrender and accept that and with that mercy and compassion emerge naturally and stay with the true essence of who I am, which allows me to give and receive love more freely....
I dedicate this blog to Tim Feldman....a wonderful, endearing, smart, loving dedicated, devoted teacher with whom I have tremendous respect and teacher/student love....
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